My take
I really love where you are going with this song. I see infinite potential. Bear that in mind as I deliver my critiques.
All of the notes are being hit at similar timing, and similar velocity. This creates a hypnotic effect that bores the listener. Try to not be so rigid in your song writing. Also, some more instruments in the right places will help accentuate key points that you are trying to make. Practice practice practice!
Never give up, and give 'er another go. You will get there, and I will proud of you when you do.